You Can Date Before You're 40 - Maybe

My oldest daughter turned 14 this week.  This event has brought with it mixed emotions.  Part of me, believe it or not, is excited.  Some of you might label me insane for even thinking such thoughts, but hear me out.

Ever since I was a teenager I have wanted to be a grandpa with lots of little grandchildren running around, and having a teenager means I am closer to that goal.  What I am not looking forward to is all the messiness that for some reason must take place before I can hold a grandchild in my arms: the onslaught of puberty, the church dances where she meets little boys, the purchase of a dress that contains an inflatable cushion to keep little boys at an appropriate distance at those church dances, the misunderstandings, the fights (even though Maiya is probably more level-headed than me), her first kiss, her first and subsequent broken hearts, the crying, the raging hormones (those of little boys, not hers), the necessity to purchase a shotgun to keep those raging hormones in check, etc. Why Jess and I can't keep Maiya locked in her tower (er...bedroom) until she is 18 and then introduce her to a nice, young, pre-qualified, already-been-thoroughly-vetted, reasonably-scared-for-his-life, but pleasant and mostly attractive young man with perfectly sized teeth and a gene pool absent of male-pattern baldness with whom she can fall in love and marry in the temple is beyond me.  Who says arranged marriages are a thing of the past?
   
Seriously though...part of me wants to be able to hold a grandchild soon; another part of me defines "soon" in the loosest of terms, say no sooner than 10 years or at most several thousand millennia.  Part of me wants to snuggle Maiya into bed every night with her cup of strawberry milk and our favorite books (okay mine mostly: My Daddy Loves Me and Click, Clack Moo: Cows that Type) from her childhood; and another part of me longs for more of the recent conversations we have had  - of dystopian novels, of Shakespeare, of her dreams to be a singer or an actress, of her emerging testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel. Part of me wants to stop time and hold her, keep her within arms reach forever; and the rest of me wants to watch her take the world by storm and become the amazing person I know she can be.

Dave Berry recently wrote a book called You Can Date Boys When You're Forty which mentions several times, but does not focus entirely on his parental relationship with his 13 year old daughter, Sophie, and her casual interactions (which he vehemently disapproves of) with teenage boys.  Part of Berry's frustration is that his wife is somewhat encouraging of the boys coming over to watch television with Sophie; he instead feels he must pace back and forth across the entrance to the family room at 8 seconds intervals and send random automatic weapon bursts into the ceiling in order to ensure his daughters safety.

When Maiya said that she wanted books for her birthday, I told her that I had the perfect one in mind.  When she heard the title she was a little perplexed and more than a little perturbed.  I was only somewhat serious.  While I would never resort to the embarrassing tactics that Berry laughingly resorts to (at least not yet), I wonder if push comes to shove what draconian measures I am truly capable of.

I needed something to watch the other night on Netflilx while I graded English papers and I stumbled on Dirty Dancing, a movie I hadn't seen in at least 15 years.  Everyone remembers Johnny Castle's (Patrick Swayze's) famous line at the end of the movie, "No one puts Baby in a corner,"   Swayze says it after returning unexpectedly to Kellerman's Resort from which he was fired the day before.  He finds his dance partner and lover, Baby (Jennifer Grey) sitting with her back against a corner in between her parents.  The line is meant as both a realization and a reprimand.  Johnny says it to Baby so she'll realize that he is grateful for all the help she has given him in the short time they have known each other, but especially that she stuck up for him to the rich elites at the resort.  Johnny says it to reprimand Baby's parents for getting upset at her for the things she has done. I remember in my youth cheering for Johnny as he said his line and then guided Baby up to the stage to perform the final dance of the season.

When I watched this scene recently, I was shocked that Baby's parents would allow her to even associate with Johnny, let alone allow him to talk to them that way.  Baby is a young, vivacious 17-year old girl who is full of ambition and good intentions - she wants to go to college and join the Peace Corps.   However, her vitality and good nature turn her vacation from one of relaxation and good family fun to one of lying and deceit.  Baby naively borrows money from her father to help a recent acquaintance, Penny, pay for an illegal abortion;  if that wasn't bad enough, Baby then falls for and sleeps with Penny's dance partner who is at least 6 years older than her.  In a twist of fate, sleeping with Johnny allows Baby to "save the day" by confirming Johnny's alibi as she admits to being with him in his cabin all night; thus freeing him from the suspicion of a stolen wallet.  Baby is even able to point a finger in the direction of the real thieves.  In all of this, Baby's father never really rebukes Baby's actions; but only says that he "no longer knows [her]" and is unable to answer her when she tries to "apologize" for her actions.  Baby's apology is actually more of an accusation of her father being a hypocrite than a real apology.  Leaving aside the fact that Baby is under age and that she and Johnny have only know each other for about 2 weeks, and leaving aside that she is also sneaking out to sleep with someone who she verifies has had multiple partners in the recent past, I find it very troubling that Baby has no remorse for her actions and actually tries to blame her father for 1) not setting a better example and 2) not being clearer in his expectations.

Because I watched Dirty Dancing as a father, I realized how 1) most boys in the movie are scum (see Johnny Castle and Neil Kellerman - Baby's stuck up male admirer who tries unsuccessfully to flirt with her throughout the movie); and 2) that most teenage girls in the movie are naive and ungrateful (see Baby and her older, even flightier sister who wants to sleep with the same womanizing waiter that got Penny pregnant in the first place).  If I had a daughter like Baby, I would do more than just put her in a corner.

Thankfully my daughters give me nothing to worry about, at least so far.  Maiya recently assuaged most of my fears by telling me how she handled a flirtatious encounter with a boy she just met.  In fact, I wonder if I am blowing this all out of proportion.  Maiya's story is proof that she has enough spunk and self-assurance to take care of herself, and that there is still hope on the horizon for a grandchild to come into the world reasonably soon, but not too soon.  Last week, an overly confident sixth grader approached Maiya in his suave, prepubescent way and tried to pick her up by asking for her "digits."  Maiya smiled, shook her head, then handed the boy her completed math homework and quickly walked to class.